“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him…” Psalm 37:7
A few decades ago, if you wanted to meet someone, you had to leave your house.
I know. Such a revolutionary concept!
You met people through church, friends, work, volunteer opportunities, community events, or that brave soul who asked for your phone number while you were standing in the grocery store comparing brands of spaghetti sauce.
Then came online dating.
The original idea was actually pretty wonderful. Technology could help connect people who might never have crossed paths otherwise. A Christian in Connecticut could meet a Christian in New York. (Shoutout to me and my fiance Jay! That’s our story!) A widower could meet a widow. A single parent could connect with someone who understood their season of life.
The goal was connection, yet somewhere along the way, the business model shifted.
Many dating apps discovered something important: if people find lasting relationships quickly, they stop using the app. And if they stop using the app, they stop generating revenue.
So dating apps gradually became less like matchmakers and more like entertainment platforms. Swipe left. Swipe right. Unlock premium features. See who liked you. Send a special gift. Boost your profile.
Suddenly dating started looking suspiciously similar to social media.
And many of us found ourselves scrolling through potential dates the same way we scroll through cat videos, vacation photos, and Amazon deals.
No wonder so many people feel exhausted.
Why Dating Apps Burn Us Out
Dating apps can be useful tools, but they become dangerous when they stop being tools and start becoming lifestyles.
Many people experience burnout because:
- They spend hours scrolling.
- They become emotionally invested in strangers.
- They encounter dishonesty and misrepresentation.
- They experience repeated disappointment.
- They begin measuring their worth by matches, likes, and responses.
- They feel pressure to make something happen quickly.
And then there are the people who aren’t really there to date at all. Some are simply bored, or they enjoy attention. Some are misrepresenting their age, faith, occupation, or intentions. Others become relational chameleons, saying whatever they think another person wants to hear in order to secure a date.
Some people are married!
Years ago a woman messaged me on a dating app- through her husband’s profile! Her husband had lied and said he was single and he and I had exchanged a few messages. His wife very politely told me that she had taken his phone, found the app, logged on and was messaging all the women he was chatting with about the truth – that he was a philanderer and this was not the first time. I thanked her for her kindness and clarity and assured her I would no longer be messaging him.
A few days later I curiously looked up his profile to see if his wife had deleted it- she hadn’t- it was still there- but his bio started out with “I am a married man and a father of two and I regularly cheat on my wife…” along with some colorful language I won’t share here.
After all of these challenges even the most hopeful dater can become weary.
If you’ve ever closed an app and thought, “I don’t know if I can do this anymore,” you’re not alone.
Start With Prayer, Not Profiles
Before we talk about healthy dating app habits, let’s begin with the most important one.
Bring Jesus into the whole process!
Not after you’ve matched. Not after you’ve gone on three dates. Not after you’ve become emotionally attached.
At the very beginning.
Pray before creating a profile. Pray before choosing photos. Pray before responding to messages. Pray before initiating conversations. Pray before agreeing to meet.
Ask yourself:
“Does this profile reflect who I truly am in Christ?”
“Do these photos honor God?”
“What kind of person am I trying to attract?”
That’s an important question. Are your pictures communicating authenticity? Or are they communicating status?
Are you trying to attract someone who loves Jesus and values character?
Or are you trying to impress someone with your car, your vacations, your appearance, or your accomplishments?
The goal isn’t to market ourselves. The goal is to present ourselves honestly.
Set Time Limits
One of the healthiest things you can do is limit your time on dating apps.
You do not need to spend hours swiping. You do not need to check the app every time you’re standing in line. You do not need to treat it like a part-time job.
Consider limiting yourself to about twenty minutes a day.
Enough time to:
- Respond thoughtfully to messages.
- Review a few profiles.
Then put the phone away and go live your actual life. Dating should be part of your life, not the center of it.
Keep Messages Short
One of the biggest mistakes people make is trying to build an entire relationship through messaging.
A dating app is not the place to exchange life stories. It’s not the place to process childhood wounds. It’s not the place to write three-page essays.
The purpose of messaging is simply to determine whether a phone call (I suggest video calls to ensure their pictures are current) or an in-person conversation would be worthwhile.
Real connection happens when people sit across from one another. When you can hear someone’s voice and see their expressions you are provided with so much data! You’re able to watch how they treat others, you can observe their character, and notice how they respond to questions.
You cannot fully discern these things through a screen.
Date for Data, Not Decisions
One of the core principles of this blog series is simple: Early dating is for collecting information, not making decisions.
A profile is not enough information. A text conversation is not enough information. Even a few dates are not enough information.
Dating apps can introduce you to people. They cannot tell you whether those people are wise, mature, kind, faithful, emotionally healthy, or compatible. Those discoveries happen over time.
So gather information, observe patterns, ask questions, and seek wisdom. Allow their character to reveal itself.
Bring Community Into the Process
One of the greatest gifts God gives us is wise community. Invite trusted Christian friends into your dating app journey.
Show them your profile and ask for feedback. Let them help you identify blind spots. Share the profiles of people you’re considering dating. Sometimes a trusted friend notices a yellow flag, red flag, or green flag that we completely miss. Especially when attraction begins clouding our judgment.
Eventually, allow people you trust to meet the person you’re dating. The people who love you can often see things that infatuation hides.
Consider a Rhythm of On and Off
Sometimes the healthiest dating strategy is taking a break.
Consider a rhythm of: Two weeks on. Two weeks off. Or even a month or two away from the apps if you’re feeling depleted.
Taking breaks doesn’t mean giving up. It means remembering that your life is much bigger than your dating status and creating space for God to refresh your heart.
God Is More Concerned About Your Heart Than Your Match List
Jesus often spoke about the condition of our hearts.
One of my favorite pictures is found in the Parable of the Sower.
In Matthew 13, Jesus describes seeds falling on different kinds of soil. Some land on rocky ground. Some among thorns. Some are snatched away before they can take root.
Others fall on good soil and produce abundant fruit.
When I think about dating, I often think about that soil. The goal isn’t simply finding the right person. The goal is becoming good soil. Allowing God to soften the soil of our hearts. Allowing Him to remove rocks of burden, allowing Him to pull weeds that choke His Word from taking root.
We don’t want a dating relationship to become a thorn that chokes God’s work in our lives. We don’t want another person’s opinions to become birds that snatch away God’s truth.
We want Christ to always remain the center of our lives.
When Disappointment Happens
Eventually, most people who use dating apps experience disappointment.
We get ghosted, lied to, taken advantage of. And each disappointment can leave a small bruise on the heart.
But God specializes in healing bruised hearts.
Psalm 147:3 reminds us: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Every closed door is not a punishment. Every disappointment is not a failure. Every ending is not evidence that God has forgotten you.
Sometimes rejection is actually God’s protection. God protects us from what we cannot yet see. He will redirect us toward something better. He simply asks us to trust Him a little longer.
Stay Anchored
The greatest challenge of dating apps isn’t the catfish or bots.
It’s remembering where our hope belongs.
Modern culture tells us our happiness is one match away. One message away. One relationship away.
Jesus tells us something different!
Our hope is not found in an app or a relationship status.
Our hope is not found in finally meeting “the one.”
Our hope is found in Christ alone.
Hebrews 6:19 says: “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”
Dating apps will continue to change. Algorithms will evolve.
But Christ remains steady.
And if our hearts are anchored to Him, we can navigate even the most exhausting dating waters with wisdom, peace, and hope.
Breakwater Blessings 
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