Dating As a Single Parent – Part 4: Dating with School-Age Children

Building Trust Through Honest, Age-Appropriate Conversation

When children reach school age and the preteen years, they notice more than we sometimes realize. They listen carefully. I can remember my 11 year old daughter staring at me quizzically and asking, “Why do you say ‘Hello’ differently sometimes?”. It was of course because sometimes I was saying “Hello” in a flirty tone as I was dating someone she didn’t know about. I made sure I answered the phone blandly after that! 

Kids connect patterns. They form their own conclusions- not only from what we say, but from what we model.

Dating during this stage of parenting requires thoughtful communication, steady reassurance, and a commitment to integrity. Children at this age are learning how relationships work, how conflict is handled, and what respect looks like in real life. How we date becomes part of that education.

Start with Listening, Not Explaining

Scripture reminds us to approach these conversations with care:

“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” (James 1:19)

Before you rush out for your first date, slapping $40 in the hands of a babysitter for pizza and hugging your bewildered child while shrugging on your fancy shoes that pinch your toes- ask your child how they feel about you dating. This isn’t asking them for permission, it’s getting an understanding of where they are in their journey as a child whose parents aren’t together. Are they still struggling to navigate even that? If they are, then it is not the time to add on the additional stressor of a stranger taking their parent away. Assess their readiness and allow Holy Spirit to allow you to discern a healthy opportunity to begin the conversation. 

Before offering information about someone you might or are dating, invite your child to first discuss their feelings about you dating someone. It is best to have these conversations before you begin to date in case their words reveal that they just aren’t ready for you to do that just yet.  Children in this age range often have feelings they are still learning to name. Some may feel curious. Others may feel protective, worried, confused, or quietly anxious about change. 

You may need to ask your children questions in order to open the conversation. Helpful questions to ask your child include:

• What would you feel if I went on a date? (Providing they know what a date  is! You may have some background knowledge to fill in first!)
• What are you wondering about dating right now?
• How does it feel knowing I might be dating someone soon?
• Is there anything that makes you nervous or unsure?

Just as important is encouraging them to ask you questions. Let them know nothing is off-limits and that honesty is welcome. When children feel heard, they are more likely to trust what comes next.

So let them talk, you just listen and then decide how to proceed. Do you and your child need further discussion around the topic? Were they in tears over the very thought? Did your child exhibit excitement and demand to meet every person you date? Continue the conversation over time until you feel your child is comfortable with the idea. 

Sharing Without Oversharing

School-age and preteen children need clarity, not complexity. They do not need details about adult emotions, struggles, or deep  disappointments. What they do need is reassurance.

Sharing without oversharing means offering information that is true, calm, and age-appropriate. It sounds like:

• “I’m getting to know someone to see if they might be a good fit for our family.”
• “I care about you and our family staying safe and stable.”
• “If anything ever feels confusing, you can always talk to me.”

Children at this stage are not responsible for your decisions. Keeping boundaries around what you share helps them remain children, not emotional caretakers. You should have your community to talk specifics with (trusted family, beloved friends) and your children should get the high level date stats, “We had a great time at the museum- I’d love to take you if you have any interest! I think you’d like the ancient weapons we saw! Then we had some gelato after and talked about things that make us smile.” 

Reassurance Matters More Than Explanation

One of the most important messages a child needs to hear is that their world is secure-mespecially if their other parent isn’t as involved in their life. 

Reassure them of what is not changing:

• Your love for them is steady
• Their home is safe
• They are not being replaced
• You are not going anywhere

Consistency in routines, discipline, and presence speaks louder than words. Predictability builds trust.

Scripture reminds us that parenting is formative work:

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.”
(Proverbs 22:6)

You are training them to see that their feelings are valid, they are unconditionally loved and they are safe. You are showing them that you prioritize their well being and that you will always be here to love and protect them. You are modeling God’s love, protection and provision over them and they will see life through these lenses. They will view the world as a place they can expect to be accepted, loved, forgiven and valued.

Modeling Healthy Dating

Children learn what to expect in relationships by watching how their parent moves through them. This means dating with respect, kindness, honesty, and joy is not just personal. It is also instructional.

Choosing who you date matters. The people you allow into your life should support your ability to grow in your faith, model healthy communication, appropriate affection, and emotional maturity.

Your child should see and hear (both in face to face interactions and over the phone- they are listening!)

• Respectful language
• Calm conflict resolution
• Clear boundaries
• Laughter and kindness
• Integrity in choices

Dating is not entertainment, and it certainly shouldn’t be drama! If you wouldn’t let your school aged children watch a rated R movie, then they certainly shouldn’t be privy to rated R content in front of them in your dating relationships- be it in language, tone, expression, body language or actions.

Introducing Someone New

Introductions should happen slowly and intentionally. Early dating does not require child involvement. When a relationship becomes more serious and consistent, new conversations are needed.

Some helpful topics to discuss with your child include:

• Would they like to get ice-cream all together or go to the park? 
• What they are comfortable seeing you and your partner do? Is holding hands okay? Would a hug be too weird for them to witness right now?
• What boundaries feel safe to them? Could your partner come over for dinner or would your child be more comfortable in their favorite diner at first?
• How can they share concerns if something feels off during the visit?

The dating partner should support these conversations and respect the child’s pace. They are being invited into a family system, not stepping into a role by default and then changing what’s been established as safe.

Above all, the person you date should point your child’s heart toward Jesus, not through pressure or preaching, but through example. Grace, patience, forgiveness, gentleness, and love leave a lasting impression.

Common Feelings At This Age and Gentle Responses

• Curiosity
  Response: Answer calmly and briefly. Invite ongoing conversation.
• Fear of Change
  Response: Reassure stability. Emphasize what remains constant.
• Protectiveness or Loyalty Conflicts with their Other Parent
  Response: Affirm their love and loyalty. Make it clear they do not need to choose sides.
• Excitement
  Response: Acknowledge it while keeping expectations grounded.
• Resistance or Withdrawal
  Response: Stay patient. Give space while remaining available. 

Intentionality Matters

Children deserve to know that dating is purposeful. It is not about filling time or easing loneliness. It is about discernment, faith, and the hope of building something lasting with Jesus at the center.

Let them hear that the goal is not just companionship, but walking with someone who shares your devotion to Jesus and your commitment to family. Let them see that relationships are chosen carefully, not impulsively.

In doing so, you are not only protecting their hearts. You are shaping how they will one day protect their own.

In the next post, we’ll talk about dating with teenagers, when independence grows and conversations require even greater wisdom and trust.