How Do Christians Find Their Identity Before They Find “The One”? – Part 5

Anchored in a Drifting Dating Culture · Part 5

Key passages: 1 John 3:1; Hebrews 13:8; Ephesians 1:3–14; Psalm 139:13–18; Proverbs 27:17

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!”

1 John 3:1, NIV

One of the questions I hear most often from young adults is surprisingly simple: “I don’t really know who I am yet.”

If you’re in your late teens, twenties, or even your thirties, you are certainly not alone. Many people today are still figuring out their calling, faith, values, emotional maturity, mental health, career path, finances, where they want to live, whether they want children, and what kind of life they hope to build.

That is a lot of figuring out. And if two people are both asking those same questions while trying to date one another, relationships can begin to feel confusing very quickly.

Why Is This Happening?

For many people in earlier generations, some major questions about adulthood were answered sooner. People often entered the workforce soon after high school. College attendance was less common. Marriage frequently happened at a younger age. Families were also more likely to remain geographically close.

Today, the landscape looks different. Many young adults delay marriage while completing their education, establishing a career, or trying to become financially stable. Some graduate carrying significant student debt.

Then they face housing costs that can make independent living difficult. It has become increasingly common for adults to live with their parents while working toward greater financial stability, and that process can take years.

Developmental researchers have described this extended transition as emerging adulthood, a period in which many people in their late teens and twenties continue exploring identity, relationships, vocation, and long-term commitments.

Today’s young adults are navigating a different world from the one many previous generations encountered. And then society adds another burden: the idea that you must “find yourself” and know exactly who you are.

What could a young adult possibly say to that except, “I’m an educated person trying to network my way into my chosen profession while being crushed by student loans and daily fighting my younger siblings for the remote because I still can’t afford to live on my own”?

So where should your identity come from?

The Problem with “Finding Yourself”

Culture constantly tells us, “Go find yourself.” But where exactly are we supposed to look? In a career? A relationship? A degree? A personality test? A dream vacation? A social media profile?

Those things may tell us something about ourselves, but they cannot tell us who we truly are.

If someone asked you, “Who are you?” how would you answer? Many of us might instinctively say something like:

• I’m a teacher.
• I’m a manager.
• I’m an engineer.
• I’m an artist.
• I’m a Knicks fan.
• I’m a dancer.
• I’m a cat person.
• I’m a business owner.

Those are wonderful descriptions. But they are not your deepest identity, even if you would paint your face half royal blue and half orange for the imaginary New York Knicks championship ticker-tape parade. Looking at you, my New York family and friends.

Why aren’t these descriptions ultimately who you are? Because jobs change. Health changes. Interests change. Circumstances change. Even our sense of calling can become clearer over time.

Our identity must be rooted in Someone who never changes.

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”

Hebrews 13:8, NIV

Start with Whose You Are

Before you allow what you do to define who you are, know whose you are.

The first identity marker for every Christian is this: I belong to God as His child through Christ.

Everything else comes afterward. John writes:

“See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!”

1 John 3:1, NIV

This is not merely a someday promise. It is not only true after you get your life together, figure out your career, clean up your past, or become emotionally flawless. If you have trusted in the risen Jesus Christ, you belong to Him now.

You are His.

What God Says About You

When we begin believing God’s Word more than our own doubts, something beautiful happens.

Our identity becomes anchored.

Scripture reminds believers that in Christ:

• You were chosen in Christ before the creation of the world (Ephesians 1:4).
• You are deeply loved by God (Romans 5:8).
• You have been rescued and forgiven (Colossians 1:13–14).
• You are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works (Ephesians 2:10).
• You are more than a conqueror through Christ’s love (Romans 8:37).
• You have received the mind of Christ through the Spirit (1 Corinthians 2:16).
• You have been sealed with the promised Holy Spirit (Ephesians 1:13).
• You may ask God for wisdom (James 1:5).
• God has promised not to leave or forsake His people (Hebrews 13:5).

Imagine beginning every morning by remembering those truths before checking your email, texts, dating app, or social media feed.

Now imagine dating from that place.

Why Identity Matters in Dating

When we do not know who we are, we often look for someone else to tell us. Dating becomes a search for validation instead of companionship. We expect another person to answer questions only God can answer:

• Am I enough?
• Am I lovable?
• Do I matter?
• Will someone choose me?

The gospel speaks to those questions before another person ever does. Our worth is not earned through romantic attention. God’s love for His people rests in His grace and the saving work of Jesus Christ.

That is why healthy Christian dating is not about finding someone to complete you and tell you who you are. It is about two people who are both being formed into the likeness of Christ, learning whether they can walk beside one another with wisdom, honesty, faithfulness, and love.

When both people know who they are in Christ, dating becomes less about proving worth and more about discerning character, compatibility, and shared direction.

Let God Hold the Unanswered Questions

You may not know exactly where you will live. You may not know your lifelong career. You may still be discovering your gifts. You may have unanswered questions about the future.

That is okay.

God is not surprised by your uncertainty. Psalm 139 reminds us that every one of our days was written in His book before one of them came to be.

He already knows what you do not.

Our responsibility is not to force tomorrow’s answers before they arrive. Our responsibility is to remain faithful today and trust God as He leads us one step at a time.

Sharpening One Another

One of my favorite verses about relationships says:

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

Proverbs 27:17, NIV

Healthy dating is not about finding someone who has every answer. It is about finding someone who points you back to Christ while you are both growing.

Someone who encourages your calling. Someone who prays with you. Someone who challenges you lovingly. Someone who celebrates your victories. Someone who reminds you of God’s promises when you have forgotten them yourself.

That is a beautiful picture of Christian dating.

Stay Anchored

Before you become someone’s future husband or wife, before you become someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend, before you become a teacher, engineer, entrepreneur, pastor, artist, parent, or retiree, remember who you already are.

You are a beloved child of God through faith in Jesus Christ.

Chosen in Christ. Known. Forgiven. Called. Loved.

The world will spend your entire life asking, “So, tell me about yourself.” And the expected answer is often a list of everything you do.

Scripture directs us toward a deeper question: Will we abide in Christ and allow our lives to be shaped by Him?

Understand this, friend.

You do not have to earn God’s love by becoming more impressive, successful, accomplished, or romantically desirable.

In Christ, you already belong to Him.

When your identity is anchored in Christ, every other decision, including dating, can be made from a place of security instead of striving. Once you know whose you are, you are much less tempted to let someone else decide who you are.

Sources and Further Reading

• Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, “Emerging Adulthood: A Theory of Development from the Late Teens Through the Twenties,” American Psychologist 55, no. 5 (2000): 469–480.
• U.S. Census Bureau, “Historical Marital Status Tables,” including median age at first marriage over time.
• Pew Research Center, “Parents, Young Adult Children and the Transition to Adulthood,” 2024.
• Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis, Household student-loan liability data.

Study References

• 1 John 3:1–3, concerning the Father’s love and the identity of believers as God’s children through Christ.
• Hebrews 13:5–8, concerning God’s promised presence and the unchanging character of Jesus Christ.
• Ephesians 1:3–14, describing the spiritual blessings believers possess in Christ, including election, adoption, redemption, forgiveness, inheritance, and the sealing of the Holy Spirit.
• Romans 5:6–11, concerning God’s love demonstrated through Christ’s death for sinners.
• Colossians 1:13–14, concerning rescue from darkness, entrance into Christ’s kingdom, redemption, and forgiveness.
• Ephesians 2:8–10, teaching salvation by grace through faith and describing believers as God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works.
• Romans 8:31–39, concerning the security of believers in the love of God revealed through Christ.
• 1 Corinthians 2:6–16, concerning the Spirit’s revelation of God’s wisdom and Paul’s statement that believers have the mind of Christ.
• James 1:2–8, concerning perseverance and asking God for wisdom in faith.
• Psalm 139:13–18, concerning God’s intimate knowledge, creative care, and sovereign awareness of every day of a person’s life.
• Proverbs 27:17, using the image of iron sharpening iron to describe the formative influence people can have upon one another.
• Christian identity is grounded in union with Christ rather than personality, employment, relationship status, achievement, or social approval. These secondary roles and descriptions may be meaningful, but they are not secure enough to bear the weight of ultimate identity.
• A romantic relationship may encourage spiritual growth, but no dating partner or spouse can replace Christ, provide salvation, or become the final source of worth and belonging.
• Scripture quotations and linked passages are from the New International Version.